Happy Birthday Dad – grief and the passing of time

My father would have turned 69 today. He unfortunately passed away over one and a half years ago and his loss is still so raw. I miss him every single day. Even now, a song in the car will remind me of him and bring me to tears. I will often see a man who resembles him and I’ll stare at him intently, drinking in every feature. I know he’s not my father, but I’m so desperate to see him, that I’ll suspend reality for a second or two.

Grief can be all encompassing. Even though most days I function like a normal human being, I’m always aware of his absence. So many of us have lost a significant other in our lives and I wonder how we all keep functioning? I wonder how long this will last or will I always exist with this never ending grief? Will it fade over time? my memories of him pushed to the furthest recesses of my mind as more memories are being created.

I know that everyone I know and love will eventually die. I know that I will die one day too. My analytical and scientific brain can comprehend this, but my heart could never reconcile their loss. I don’t believe you can ever truly recover from the loss of a parent. How can you recover from losing someone who has been there for you your whole life? He always had a few words of wisdom, or a pat and a stroke of my head, a careless kiss grazing my forehead.

I feel an endless sadness that he left this earth too soon; that he never got to hold and kiss his newest grand daughter, or that my three year old probably won’t remember him. He loved little babies with a passion. He would always smell their little heads, loving their baby smell. He’d insist they grasp his finger in their chubby little hand. I can picture him so clearly, holding my baby daughter and shedding a few tears of joy as he leant down to kiss her head.

Even though I am filled with sadness today, I’m so forever thankful that he was my father. I’m thankful that I got to spend thirty-eight years of my life with him. He was a wonderfully loving, gentle and caring human being who cared so much about the world and its inhabitants. So Dad, wherever you are, happy birthday. I’ll raise a glass of wine tonight in your memory, thankful for the time we had, but missing you like hell.


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Jan Currie says:

    What s moving tribute to your father and a great photo of him. Now in Croatia and he would be at home here.

    Sent from my iPhone


    1. aseparovic says:

      Thanks Jan. You’re so lucky to be in Croatia. Dad loved it there too. My husbands family comes from the beautiful island of Korcula. My fav place is Plitvice national park. Love Amy


  2. Yolande gardos says:

    Beautifully said Sister.xx


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